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Washington Post goes over some of the Joe Biden Lies.

Views: 23

Washington Post goes over some of the Joe Biden Lies. This is just a small sampling of Joe’s story telling.

By Gabriel Hays Fox News

The Washington Post’s chief fact-checker Glenn Kessler took exception to several stories President Biden has repeatedly told about his life to connect with audiences in a piece Thursday.

Kessler went through several recurring anecdotes that Biden has shared with crowds over the years and detailed how many of them were embellished or just plain not true. He declared, “But throughout his career… Biden’s propensity to exaggerate or embellish tales about his life led to doubts about his truthfulness.”

Kessler analyzed Biden’s recent recounting of a past fire at his house almost destroying his Corvette, anecdotes about being him arrested for standing up during the civil rights era, and a story about the circumstances that led him to be accepting of same-sex relationships.

Kessler stated that each of these folksy stories from Biden are part of his “tradition of embellishing his personal tales in ways that cannot be verified or are directly refuted by contemporary accounts.”

WASHINGTON POST SLAPS BIDEN WITH ‘FOUR PINOCCHIOS’ FOR FALSELY CLAIMING HUNTER NEVER MADE MONEY FROM CHINA

The Washington Post logo and President Biden

President Biden was called out by the Washington Post fact-checker for several embellished stories he has told audiences over his career. (Getty Images)

The fact-checker began with Biden’s most recent exaggerated story. He wrote, “At least six times as president, mostly recently in comments to Hurricane Idalia victims Wednesday, Biden has exaggerated the extent of a fire that occurred at his house in 2004.”

In those retellings, Kessler noted how Biden, then a U.S. senator from Delaware, had claimed “a couple firefighters” almost died, how his 1967 Corvette was nearly destroyed, and that a “significant portion” of his house burned.

The fact-checker corrected the record, saying, “The contemporary news accounts in the Wilmington News Journal and The Associated Press are much less dramatic.”

Citing the outlets, he added, “’Biden’s house on Barley Mill Road was reported hit by lightning at 8:16 a.m., emergency officials said,’ the News Journal reported. ‘There were no injuries and firefighters kept the fire contained to one room.’

“Cranston Heights Fire Co. Chief George Lamborn told the newspaper the flames did not spread from the kitchen. ‘Luckily, we got it pretty early. The fire was under control in 20 minutes.’”

BIDEN BLASTED FOR COMPARING KITCHEN FIRE IN HIS HOME TO DEVASTATING MAUI BLAZE: ‘ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING’

Biden in Maui

President Biden speaks after touring areas devastated by the Maui wildfires  in Lahaina, Hawaii, on Aug. 21, 2023. (Evan Vucci)

Kessler then mentioned Biden’s oft-used anecdote about his conversation with an Amtrak conductor. He wrote, “At least 10 times as president, most recently during an Aug. 15 speech in Milwaukee, Biden has told a heartwarming but implausible story about an Amtrak conductor named Angelo Negri who congratulated him for traveling more on Amtrak than he had on Air Force planes as vice president.”

As Biden has told the story, Negri congratulated the then-vice president for traveling 2 million miles on Amtrak trains, almost double the amount he has traveled on Air Force One.

Kessler corrected this, saying, “But it’s not possible this conversation took place as Biden describes… Biden did not pass the 1.2 million-mile mark until 2016; Negri retired from Amtrak in 1993, 16 years before Biden became vice president. Negri died in 2014, two years before Biden claims they had this conversation.”

The fact-checker also poked holes in one of Biden’s go-to gay rights stories. Kessler stated, “Three times this year — and at least seven times since 2014 — Biden has told a version, most recently on Aug. 10, of a story about words his father supposedly spoke after a teenage Biden saw two well-dressed men in suits kiss each other in downtown Wilmington in the early 1960s.”

However, the author noted, “Biden depicts a scene that would have been unusual six decades ago. He describes this exchange with his father usually as taking place in 1961. But back then, gay men generally did not kiss in public. Many people regarded homosexuality as deviant.”

“Moreover,” Kessler added, “Biden’s story has evolved over time. In 2014, in a New York Times article on his evolution on same-sex marriage, he was the father in the story, speaking to one of his sons.”

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CONSERVATIVE GROUP TO ANNOUNCE TRIO OF PROPOSED TRANSGENDER BALLOT INITIATIVES

Views: 35

 

CONSERVATIVE GROUP TO ANNOUNCE TRIO OF PROPOSED TRANSGENDER BALLOT INITIATIVES.

BY ANDREW SHEELER

Sacramento Bee.

Riverside Republican Assemblyman Bill Essayli’s bill to force California schools to out transgender students to their parents never got a hearing in the Assembly. But it could soon get a hearing from California voters. Essayli is set to join Assemblyman Joe Patterson, R-Rocklin, on the west steps of the Capitol at 3 p.m.

Monday to unveil a trio of proposed anti-transgender ballot initiatives. Joining the Republican lawmakers are conservative activists Jonathan Zachreson, Scott Davison and Jay Reed; speakers Erin Friday of the group Our Duty; former NCAA athlete Sophia Lorey of the conservative California Family Council, and “de-transitioner” Chloe Cole, who headlined her own event at the Capitol earlier this year.

The activists, calling themselves Protect Kids California, are looking to advance three ballot initiatives that would: Force schools to notify parents if their child uses a different name or pronouns; Block transgender girls from competing in girls’ sports programs; Block transgender minors from accessing gender-affirming medical treatment. Once a proposed ballot measure has been written, its language must be submitted to the California Attorney General’s Office for review.

It will then have until Oct. 26 to prepare a title and summary, at which point the measure’s backers will be cleared to begin circulating petitions for signatures. Proposed initiative statutes require 546,651 signatures, while constitutional amendments require 874,641, according to the California Secretary of State’s Office.  is the last day for the California secretary of state to determine whether an initiative petition meets the minimum signature requirement.

An account for Protect Kids California on X, the platform formerly known as Twitter, points to polling it says shows that California voters would support the measures. The group doesn’t cite the source of the polling on its website. The event was promoted on X by Northern California chapters of the group Moms for Liberty.

Edited.

 

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Oberlin College Lacrosse Coach Under Attack by Woke Administrators for Defending Women’s Sports.

Views: 14

Oberlin College Lacrosse Coach Under Attack by Woke Administrators for Defending Women’s Sports.

The head coach of Oberlin College’s lacrosse team says she was called “transphobic” and “unsafe,” and investigated by the woke college after questioning transgender swimmer Lia Thomas, a biological male, winning last year in the NCAA. “It is scientific that, biologically, males and females are different,” the lacrosse coach added. “I don’t believe biological males should be in women’s locker rooms. Where is the MeToo movement now? What happened to that?”

“I was blown away that a male was allowed to compete with women in NCAA swimming,” Oberlin College lacrosse coach Kim Russell said in an eight-minute video documentary shared by the Independent Women’s Forum.

Watch Below.

“When Lia Thomas won, I reposted a post that said, ‘Congratulations to Emma Weyant, the real woman who won the NCAA 500-yard freestyle event.’ One of my own players took that post and sent it in an email to my athletic director,” Russell explained.

Oberlin College Women's Lacrosse Coach Kim Russell

Oberlin College Women’s Lacrosse Coach Kim Russell

School administrators responded to the complaint by calling Russell into their offices for a series of disciplinary meetings, and the lacrosse coach recorded each one.

In one instance, Natalie Winkelfoos, Associate VP for Athletics, can be heard telling Russell, “Unfortunately, you fall into a category of people that are kind of filled with hate in the world.”

 

 

“It’s acceptable to have your own opinions, but when they go against, you know, Oberlin College’s beliefs, it’s a problem, for your employment,” Creg Jantz, Senior Associate Director of Athletics, told Russell in another instance.

Russell said school administrators later demanded that she write a letter of apology to the team, and to the Department of Athletics.

“I hope you feel remorse for it,” Winkelfoos said in another audio recording.

The lacrosse coach said she began to write her apology letter, but then stopped herself from doing so.

“I’m not writing a letter of apology, I’m not sorry,” Russell said in the documentary. “I really believe that women should be competing against other biological females.”

 

 

Russell, who has been coaching for 27 years, said she was then told that she had to attend a meeting with her entire team, the athletic director, the Title IX director for the Athletics Department, the head of the department’s Diversity, equity, and inclusion (D.E.I.) office, and the Title IX and director of D.E.I. for the entire college.

“There was a very dark energy,” Russell explained of the meeting. “Chairs were set up in a huge circle, I felt like I was burned at the stake.”

“It was, what I would call the ‘mob mentality,’ where a few people on the team spoke about how much they were upset with what I had posted, and how dare I post that,” the coach said. “I love these kids, and to have many of them say all these things that, to me, were attacking who I was as a person, it made me sad.”

The documentary also featured several audio clips of student lacrosse players lecturing Russell.

 

 

“Everyone has their views,” one student said. “But what the focus should be here isn’t what the view is, it should be the impact that that caused, the impact that that post had,” one student could be heard preaching in an audio clip.

“I still feel like we’re just kind of, like, justifying your actions a little, instead of, like, a true apology,” another student lectured. “Especially at Oberlin, where there is such a high, like, LGBTQ+ population, I just feel like I would like a little more accountability.”

“It’s not good enough just to work for, like, women’s issues or white feminism, you know? It has to, like, your feminism, has to be inclusive for everybody,” another said.

 

 

During the meeting, Russell felt that nobody was really listening to what she had to say. After that, when the season was finished, Russell was called in for yet another meeting, where she was given a letter that informed her she had damaged her credibility and would need to change her behavior immediately.

“I believe that there are so many people who are afraid of losing their jobs that they are just going to do what they have to do to keep working,” Russell said in the documentary. “It is my job to be a voice for everyone who is too afraid, who needs to keep their job.”

“It is scientific that, biologically, males and females are different,” the lacrosse coach added. “I don’t believe biological males should be in women’s locker rooms. Where is the MeToo movement now? What happened to that?”

“Do I believe I’m at risk of being fired, of having a storm hit me?” Russell said. “Yes. Am I ready for the storm? Yes.”

Russell is not the first person Oberlin College has attacked.

As Breitbart News previously reported, the leftist school had to pay $36.59 million in court-ordered defamation damages to a mom-and-pop bakery it slandered as racist — after previously fighting desperately to avoid paying the judgment.

In 2019, Meredith Raimondo, now an ex-dean, had orchestrated a woke mob into slandering the family that runs Gibson’s Bakery as racists for calling the police on three black students for allegedly shoplifting a bottle of wine.

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Judge’s order in Mark Meadows case “could be very bad news” for Fani Willis.

Views: 27

Judge’s order in Mark Meadows case “could be very bad news” for Fani Willis.

By Areeba Shah.

U.S. District Court Judge Steve Jones on Tuesday ordered Fulton County District Attorney Fani Willis and former president Donald Trump’s chief of staff Mark Meadows to offer opinions on a key matter essential to addressing Meadows’s argument that his Georgia prosecution should be tried in federal court.

Jones asked both parties to provide their views on whether “a finding that at least one (but not all) of the overt acts charged occurred under the color of Meadow’s office [would] be sufficient for federal removal of a criminal prosecution under [the federal removal statute].”

When Meadows took the stand on Tuesday, he argued he was acting in his capacity as Trump’s top White House aide when he reached out to Georgia officials following the 2020 elections. Fulton County prosecutors, on the other hand, asserted that Meadows’ actions went well beyond the responsibilities of his federal position.

Meadows was charged in Willis’ sprawling racketeering indictment, which accuses him and 17 others of conspiring to subvert the results of the 2020 election in Georgia.

In court documents, his legal team has already revealed their plans to seek the dismissal of the charges from a federal judge if the case is transferred to federal court, according to The Atlanta Journal-Constitution.

Even if a judge doesn’t dismiss the charges, the shift to federal court would provide Meadows with a broader and potentially more conservative pool of jurors and bar cameras from entering the courtroom.

The pivotal point of contention for the removal hinges mainly on whether Meadows can prove that he was indicted for actions he carried out in his capacity as a federal official.

Clark Cunningham, professor of law at Georgia State University, also weighed in on X, formerly Twitter, arguing that this order “could be very bad news” for Willis.

“If I were the DA, I would ask grand jury for a superseding indictment that removes the name of Mark Meadows from Acts 5, 6, 7, and 19 of Count 1 (but continuing the allegations as to Donald Trump),” he wrote.

The first three alleged overt acts by Meadows (Acts 5, 6 and 7) are not necessary to establish his liability under RICO, but keeping them in the indictment now runs an “enormous risk” for the DA of losing the removal issue, in light of Judge Jones’ order, since these overt acts come closest to meeting the test for federal officer removal, he added.

Cunningham explained that Acts 5 and 7 involve White House meetings between Trump and state legislators, for which Meadows made “plausible claims” on the witness stand that his role was limited to what the Chief of Staff typically does. Act 6 alleges only that Meadows asked a member of Congress from Pennsylvania for the phone numbers of the leaders of the state legislature in Pennsylvania, again saying this was a typical task for a chief of staff.

“Act 19 alleges that Trump & Meadows met together with another White House staffer, John McEntee and asked him to prepare a memo for a strategy to disrupt the January 6 session of Congress,” Cunningham wrote. “Meadows testified firmly that Act 19 did not describe anything he had done and it is not worth continuing to try and prosecute Meadows for Act 19.”

Jones ordered that Willis and attorneys for Meadows file their briefs by 5 p.m. on Thursday.

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This is why they keep on indicting Trump. Latest Poll. Trump Beats Biden in Electoral Landslide.

Views: 17

This is why they keep on indicting Trump. Latest Poll. Trump Beats Biden in Electoral Landslide. Ever wonder why the Progressives don’t want Trump running again? The latest poll sheds some light.

The McLaughlin national survey finds Trump leads Biden 47% to 43%  up 2 points this month alone.

But here’s the really big news. In the key battleground states Trump leads Biden 49% to 41%.

If the election was today, Trump would defeat Biden in an electoral landslide.

Our poll – and other national surveys are confirming a huge turnaround for Trump.

Remember, Donald Trump never won the popular vote in the 2016 and 2020 national popular vote, and almost all polls had him losing the popular vote in both elections. But now our poll and others show him leading.

 

 

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Who gets the jab. Not I. Just putting this out there.

Views: 53

Who gets the jab. Not I. Just putting this out there. There’s much that I disagree with here, but there are some good points. Overall the article was trying to be fair, but only doctors from the left were included. I’ll highlight some of the good points.

by Kristina Fiore, Director of Enterprise & Investigative Reporting, MedPage Today.

While the FDA and CDC have yet to weigh in on fall COVID boostersopens in a new tab or window, experts in infectious disease and public health are already discussing who should get them, and who may not need to.

High-risk groups get a resounding “yes” — but when it comes to younger, healthy adults, the answer is less clear.

There’s wide agreement that older adults will receive a hearty recommendation to receive the booster, which targets the XBB.1.5 strainopens in a new tab or window, said William Schaffner, MD, of Vanderbilt University Medical Center in Nashville, Tennessee and a spokesperson for the Infectious Diseases Society of America (IDSA).

The same goes for people younger than 65 who have chronic conditions, are immunocompromised, or who are pregnant, he said.

“Now for adults who are otherwise healthy and younger than 65, and young adults, adolescents, and children, that’s all going to be debated,” Schaffner noted, anticipating how discussions at CDC’s Advisory Committee on Immunization Practices (ACIP) will go when the group meets on September 12opens in a new tab or window. “Whether they receive a routine recommendation or one for shared clinical decision making … I think there will be some brisk discussion about that.”

Aaron Glatt, MD, of Mount Sinai South Nassau in Oceanside, New York, who is also a spokesperson for IDSA, said that people “who have been vaccinated, who are healthy, who are younger, are probably not the first people who should be getting in line to get another COVID booster, especially if they’ve had one.”

In addition, someone who’s recently had COVID probably doesn’t need a booster, he added.

Glatt was a strong advocate for shared decision making when it comes to COVID boosters. He gave the example of a 62-year-old who was boosted 6 months ago and is in good health. “I think for that group, there’s more leeway to say, let’s individualize the decision.”

Georges Benjamin, MD, executive director of the American Public Health Association, said unlike last year, when CDC recommended bivalent BA.4/5 boosters for all people ages 5 and upopens in a new tab or window (and later expanded the recommendation further), he expects CDC to take a risk-based approach to its recommendations.

“The good news is that you’ve had the full primary series of the vaccine and a bivalent booster, or you were vaccinated and infected, you have substantial protection against getting very sick and dying,” Benjamin told MedPage Today. “But the older you are, the greater your risk of getting very sick and dying.”

Paul Offit, MD, of Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia, said the goal of the vaccine has always been to prevent serious illness, and on that basis, the highest-risk groups who should be candidates for vaccination include the elderly, especially people over 75; people with multiple chronic conditions; pregnant people; and the immune compromised.

“These four groups will get the most benefit,” Offit said. “We’re just not going to prevent mild disease for a short-incubation-period mucosal infection for any reasonable amount of time.”

Neither Schaffner, Glatt, nor Offit thought children should be strongly recommended to get a COVID booster. Schaffner noted that in young children, Omicron has been less likely to cause severe disease. In addition, he said, doctors are seeing less multisystem inflammatory syndrome in children (MIS-C) due to COVID.

“Virtually every child has been exposed to COVID through infection or vaccination or both, so the population immunity, children included, is pretty high,” Schaffner said. “I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the recommendations for these younger healthy populations are in the shared clinical decision-making category.”

“Why does a healthy 12-year-old with three doses of vaccine need another dose?” Offit said. “There would have to be protection against severe disease and I just don’t see that evidence.”

Glatt noted that “an immunocompromised, very sick child is a different story.” But if the child is healthy, “you’d really have to show me [good data] that there’s a reason to [boost].”

Even the U.K. is focusing its booster recommendations on older and more vulnerable people. Its Joint Committee on Vaccination and Immunisation (JCVI) recommendedopens in a new tab or window offering vaccines to those at high risk of serious disease, including adults ages 65 and up, people with chronic conditions, and people who work in care homes for older adults.

Indeed, that recommendation makes sense from a population health perspective that asks who would benefit most from this intervention, said Bob Wachter, MD, of the University of California San Francisco.

But he believes even young people can get an incremental benefit from fall boosters. Wachter, whose wife has long COVID and who himself experienced a trip to the hospital because of COVID — not from respiratory distress, but from a related fallopens in a new tab or window — said he would recommend a booster to his 30-year-old children because the benefits outweigh the minimal risks.

Even though people in this age group have a low baseline risk of hospitalization from the disease, a booster would reduce that risk even further, he said. It might also help lower their risk of long COVID, he added.

“I start from the baseline that this is a very safe intervention, and there is potential benefit in almost everybody, including relatively young and healthy people,” Wachter said. “But to the question of who’s most likely to benefit, clearly those are the people at higher risk of bad outcomes.”

He added that this year’s fall booster will probably not be very popular, “because not a lot of people got it when the risk was higher and the public attention on COVID was greater.”

“It’s pretty clear that the national consciousness is over it,” he said. “If you’re a healthy 40-year-old, you’re not making a crazy choice not to get boosted.”

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Biden Falsely Claims to Have Convinced Strom Thurmond to Vote for the Civil Rights Act.

Views: 24

Biden Falsely Claims to Have Convinced Strom Thurmond to Vote for the Civil Rights Act.

By PAUL BOIS-Breitbart.

President Joe Biden made a false claim on Monday when he said that he “literally” convinced former Dixiecrat Sen. Strom Thurmond (SC) to vote for the Civil Rights Act.

The president made his outlandish claim while speaking on the 60th anniversary of the founding of the civil rights legal group, the Lawyers’ Committee for Civil Rights Under Law.

“Pause for just a moment. I thought things had changed. I was able to literally, not figuratively, talk Strom Thurmond into voting for the Civil Rights Act before he died, and I thought, ‘Well maybe there’s real progress,’ But hate never dies. It just hides, it hides under the rocks,” he said.

Strom Thurmond, who switched to the Republican Party after years as a Democrat, voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964 before Joe Biden had entered politics, being that he was just 21 years old at the time. Strom Thurmond also died in 2003, many decades after the passing of civil rights.

Thurmond not only voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964, he also holds the record for the longest-ever filibuster opposing the Civil Rights Act of 1957.

AG on X: “Any idea what Biden is talking about? Strom Thurmond voted against the Civil Rights Act of 1964, he died almost 40 years later, and Biden was in college at that time… https://t.co/wxns7kZE4u” / X (twitter.com)

According to Fox News, a White House spokesperson later said the president was “instrumental in getting Thurmond’s vote for the Voting Rights Act, in 1980.”

Whatever the president meant, it represents yet another serious gaffe in his long string of serious gaffes. For instance, he has often publicly said that his son Beau died in Iraq even though he died of brain cancer after having previously served in Iraq. As Breitbart News reported, the president made a similar claim in 2022 while giving a speech in Colorado to designate Camp Hale as a national monument. He had been discussing the many sacrifices that soldiers make before citing his son Beau as an example.

“I say this as a father of a man who won the Bronze Star, the conspicuous service medal, and lost his life in Iraq,” Biden said.

The following month, the president once again claimed that Iraq was “where my son died.”

In May of this year, the president used the backdrop of a conversation with U.S. servicemen to once again falsely claim Beau died in the Iraq War. The president reportedly made his claim during a visit with troops at Marine Corps Air Station Iwakuni in Japan.

“My son was a major in the U.S. Army. We lost him in Iraq,” he reportedly said.

According to the New York Post, the traveling press corps were “kept far enough away that the remarks were inaudible.”

“The White House press office did not put out an official transcript, almost allowing the error to escape public notice,” according to the Post.

In late September 2022, the president appeared to call out for now-deceased Rep. Jackie Walorski (R-IN) when giving a speech at a White House event.

“Jackie, are you here? Where’s Jackie?” Biden asked.

“I didn’t think she was going to be here,” he added.

 

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National Archives Has 5,400 Biden Emails With Pseudonyms.

Views: 17

National Archives Has 5,400 Biden Emails With Pseudonyms.

By Jeffrey Rodack   

The National Archives and Records Administration acknowledged it has about 5,400 emails that potentially show President Joe Biden hid behind phony names while vice president, the New York Post is reporting.

The existence of the records was confirmed by the NARA and came in response to a June 2022 Freedom of Information Act request by the Southeastern Legal Foundation.

Specifically, the SLF, a nonprofit constitutional legal group, requested emails relating to the accounts of Robin Ware, Robert L. Peters, and JRB Ware — pseudonyms Joe Biden was known to use in the White House during his time as vice president under Barack Obama, the Post said.

The legal foundation sued the NARA for the release of the records on Monday. The group claims the records could show Joe Biden may have provided government information to his son, Hunter Biden.

Kimberly Hermann, SLF general counsel, said in a statement: “All too often, public officials abuse their power by using it for their personal or political benefit. When they do, many seek to hide it. The only way to preserve governmental integrity is for NARA to release Joe Biden’s nearly 5,400 emails to SLF and thus the public. The American public deserves to know what is in them.”

Stephannie Oriabure, director of NARA’s archival operations division, wrote the SLF on June 24, 2022, saying: “We have performed a search of our collection for vice presidential records related to your [June 9, 2022] request and have identified approximately 5,138 email messages, 25 electronic files and 200 pages of potentially responsive records that must be processed in order to respond to your request,” according to the lawsuit.

The SLF said none of the emails or documents have been turned over to the group.

On Aug. 17, Rep. James Comer, House Committee on Oversight and Accountability Chair, demanded that NARA release records from Joe Biden’s years as vice president from times that overlapped with the activities of his son’s activities in Ukraine, particularly emails that were signed with the pseudonyms “Robert Peters,” “Robin Ware,” and “JRB Ware.”

Comer, R-Ky., in a letter to NARA Archivist Colleen Shogan, also requested that all unredacted documents and communications in which Hunter Biden, Eric Schwerin, or Devon Archer are copied; and for all drafts of a speech Joe Biden delivered to the Ukrainian Rada, or parliament, in December 2015.

BY Jeffrey Rodack

 

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GAO to Probe Decision to Keep Space Command in Colorado.

Views: 12

GAO to Probe Decision to Keep Space Command in Colorado. Two separate commissions were done and both said that the Space Command should be moved from Colorado. I believe from a choice of five locations the Colorado location was picked either fourth or fifth.

But Biden says that the Space Command stays where it is. rejecting the best location. Now the GAO is going to investigate Biden’s decision.

The Government Accountability Office will investigate the White House’s choice not to move the headquarters for U.S. Space Command from Colorado to Alabama as decided by the previous administration.

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Liberal Dies On Toilet While Awaiting CDC Guidance On How To Wipe.

Views: 33

SEATTLE, WA — Liberal man Jonathan Seymour passed away, dying on the toilet as he awaited instructions from the Center for Disease Control on how to wipe his own butt.

“I kept telling him to just go for it,” said housemate Ronald Mills. “Jonathan just wouldn’t take the risk.”

Officials say Mr. Seymour became severely dehydrated as he refused to move from the toilet for either food or water. “What am I supposed to do??” cried Mr. Seymour, desperate for guidance. “I can’t do this alone! Front to back? Back to front? Folded or unfolded? How many squares? Speak to me, Fauci!”

Sadly, bereft of instruction from the CDC, Mr. Seymour remained on the commode until his untimely passing. “It’s really tragic,” said Mr. Mills. “No one should ever die because they don’t know how to wipe. I promise you this, I will not rest until the CDC issues guidance on how a person is supposed to wipe their butt. If I can save just one person from dying on the toilet, it feels like Jonathan’s death will have meant something.”

At publishing time, a nearby liberal woman had reportedly passed away while awaiting CDC guidance on what to do after exhaling.


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